Sensitive over money

I informed my like-minded friends that I cannot attend a two-day conference for historians (I'm a wannabe historian) in a nearby city this coming Friday because I'm broke. I've been invited several months ago. Back then, I thought that I'd have enough money for it. Anyway, it's only ₱500.00. Very affordable. It was several months ago. Not today.

Image: Philippine Star.

I've been battling with debt on and off for months, actually more than a year already. But debt wins most of the time. I have many well-off friends and relatives, some of them even famous. But I wouldn't dare go near them for financial help. Actually, back in college, when I married at an early age, I did. But with much prodding from my mother. I did receive a mouthful from some of those I sought for help during those trying years, and I acknowledge that I did deserve most of it because I was an irresponsible son. However, that experience must have taken a toll on me. That could explain my hypersensitivity over money issues. I don't like talking about money with other people. I'm not fond of asking my office mates if our salaries have already arrived, as they are wont to do with each other. I hate borrowing money. I really hate it. Even if it's just ₱5.00. I feel like a part of whatever honor that I have in me gets tattered whenever I borrow money.

That is why, during these past few months of financial crises, I let my wife do the borrowing. During dire times, she has urged me many times to borrow money from my own set of friends. But she only succeeds in angering me. I twitch at the very mention of borrowing money. It's really that bad.

The organizer of that conference I was supposed to attend this coming Friday suggested that I let our city hall pay for it (I work there as a consultant). But I told her that I'm too shy to do so. The truth is, I'm ashamed to do so.

Am I normal?